I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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