My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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