i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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