Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
