i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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