I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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