i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
