come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
