The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
