were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
