You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I checked into jail on foursquare
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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