so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
