I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
