Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
