Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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