I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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