I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the liver wants what the liver wants
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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