The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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