I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
