i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
