I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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