So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize