i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
