Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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