erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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