Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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