Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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