It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
