After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
