I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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