Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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