dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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