My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize