Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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