Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
