Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
