Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
