did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
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