I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize