Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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