Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
