Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
