i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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