Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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