Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
