matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
