I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
