She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
