Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
