Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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