He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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