just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i came on her dog
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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