My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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