he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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