If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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