Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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