dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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