unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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