Tell her she can't have a vagina
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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