I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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