i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
