I'm lost and stupid without you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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