She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
